To Forbid or NOT to Forbid
I am in a serious quandary guys. I need some advice.
My adopted dad lives on the 7 acres attached to our 7 acres, so the kids can just run across the pasture and go see Grandpa. They LOVE going over there. He plays lots of games with them; Scrabble, Dominoes, cards..He taught them all to play Chess and Cribbage. And he loves watching movies with them. All things he did when I as a kid also.
So what is my problem right?
Unfortunately, he also has NO respect for my husband and I as the PARENTS. I don't allow my kids to drink soda (except on special occasions) but I said they could have ONE soda when they go over to Grandpa's. I told HIM this as well. Then the kids come home and tell me (Thank God, they still like to share everything with me) that they had 2 or 3 while over there.
He also lets them watch movies he KNOWS I don't approve of, but the worst part isn't even that he continually ignores our rules for our children.
The WORST part is that he setting a horrible example for them by showing them it's ok to be disrespectful to us and NOT follow our rules by saying things like "oh your mom is just being silly, here have another soda" or " your mom is just overreacting, this movie is fine" or "oh I know you like this movie but we can't watch it cause your mom is overreacting again"
And THEN, when the kids DO tell me and I have a talk with my dad (YET AGAIN), he always tries to turn it around and say oh well THEY said it was ok. To which I reply, but I already told YOU that it wasn't.
And the next time the kids go over there, he jumps all over them for being 'tattle tales', so much so that when they DO tell me stuff now, they beg me not to call Grandpa or they will get in trouble. And I also very clearly remember what his temper is like. Thank God, he is not NEARLY as bad as he was when I was a kid, and if he EVER actually hit my kids, there wouldn't be any hesitation on whether or not I would forbid it...but..
I KNOW the kids LOVE their Grandpa. And I KNOW that he loves them too. Of that I have no doubt. And I would HATE to have to forbid my children from seeing their Grandpa (besides the fact that, that once again..makes ME the bad guy) but I am at my WIT'S END!!!
Am I supposed to just let this go?? Allow him to completely disregard my rules for my children and completely disrespect me and my husband in front of the children????
HELP!
WOW! This is a problem. I have no idea what i would do in this situation. I guess you have tried to explain it to him and he doesnt listen and you could say until YOU respect my rules they can not come over to your house without me. That really sucks though. I do see your problem and you are right and right to be upset. I would be too. You are lucky to have Grandpa so close. My son does not have a Grandfather that he knows anymore. It's like a double edged sword and I know I am no help =(
ReplyDeleteI doubt anything you say will change what he does.
ReplyDeleteYou can tell your kids that you expect them to try to stick by your rules as much as possible when they are at Grandpa's. Teach them to ask for water or juice or what ever you aprove of.
Even though I know it bothers you, he isn't doing anything horrible to the kids. Try to look at all the positive points and see if they out wiegh the negative.
Julia, I have talked to him, cajoled, begged, yelled, argued, and even threatened that the kids won't be able to come over. It doesn't seem to help.
ReplyDeleteZelle, here's the problem, no the sodas and maybe even some of the movies aren't THAT horrible..what IS that horrible is that he tells my kids to keep secrets from me (DON'T tell your mom or she won't let you come over anymore) and lays guilt trips on them for ASKING to do what I ask. They DO ask for other things or try to watch other movies. HE makes it almost impossible for them to do so.
And I have spent their lives telling them that NO ONE should EVER tell them to keep secrets from us and if they do then they NEED to tell me right away.
I am also VERY big on RESPECT from my children...how can they be expected to continue to respect us when my dad never does.
DAMNIT! I am upset that he is putting me in this position.
Ok, I understand what you saying.
ReplyDeleteTo show him there is a consequence for his actions, maybe you should not let the kids go over there for a while. When he asks why they haven't been over tell him the reason...again. Let him know if he decides to respect your rules they well be allowed to see him. But if he continues to not respect your rules he will lose that privilege.
The problem would still exist though that you might be perceived by your children as the bad guy, keeping them away from their Grandfather.
Hopefully someone else will come up with a better resolve. Sorry that you have been put in this situation.
Might I suggest that you allow him to only visit his grandchildren at YOUR home....it's not fair to punish your kids by not letting them see their grandpa but at least at your home, you can say what goes and what doesn't.
ReplyDelete